escaping from the need for escape

if only there were words. i only i could speak with clarity about what it is that i feel inside myself. if only i understood. there is a mysterious quality of my mind that is moving throughout my head with such force that it has twisted my sanity into something sick, a soul bending, search for the true Taylor.

i am weak. i cannot stand to the knee breaking blow that temptation takes. and so i fall. fragile, fearful, fake, i fall. is there some great knowledge that i do not posses in understanding why it is that i am so hung up on the escape. that exit from reality. the brief burst of the bullet as it breaks the bond of the realms of rationalism and eludes the limits of everything that is existential. only to eventually stop it movement towards fantasy and return lifeless to the ground from which it was formed. i hold that very gun in my hand. barrel still smoking from another attempt to violently vindicate what i thought to be the victim. my soul.

yet i remain prisoner to nothing more than my own lack of clarity. i have let the world wear me down. i have subjected myself to self-induced dissatisfaction.

now i must make a choice. i must realize that everything that i wish to escape is everything i have created by placing importance on issues that do not define, dictate, or mean anything. by removing the focus i remove the need for escape. i holster my weapon, if you will, stop the shooting. stop slinging bullets. in hope that the fire fight has not left me limp and unable to i live life lacking the lust for the ability to relive.

“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously. Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.” J. Donald Walters

Hope

i have seen it. tonight my soul aches.
there is no hope.

the world is a dark and dismal place and we are nothing more, we have no worth greater than that of a rain drop thrown from the sky to fall without effort to our demise. to come face to face with the cold hard cement that tears us apart, breaks us and leaves us to puddle and stagnate.

we are so fragile. yet we force ourselves to be strong. afraid to let anyone around us know that death promises a blissful escape.

i have seen man at his bitter end. crawling in the dirt, screaming for the darkness to vail his eyes forever.

alone, we are all alone. we only truly care about ourselves. back any man into a corner, threaten him force your cold steel blade of hatred against his throat and the only thought that keeps him sane is that of selfishness.

how do we live, how do we go day after day after day with ourselves, tolerating ourselves?

blackness, bitterness, betrayal...human.

when i see what we have become. when i look deep in to the eyes of brokenness when i share tears with torment. when i hold the hand of hopelessness. when i fall to me knees this existence gives way to the truth that we are all so very confused.

show me a man that understands his life that truly knows who he is and i will show you a man that is rotting, decayed with lies. i will show you a man in which evil and sin darkens his heart to the extent that his blood runs black. his wounds bleed without ceasing and it drips and drowns every single righteous aspect of his soul.

can you see it

the good extends its arms upwards breaking the surface its voice gargles and gasps for a chance at breath. soaked with the blackness it sinks. its cries are lost. and the liquid surrounds it until it cannot be distinguished until it becomes the darkness.

hope?

there is no hope.

there is only truth and that truth is that there is only death

If man were immortal he could be perfectly sure of seeing the day when everything in which he had trusted should betray his trust, and, in short, of coming eventually to hopeless misery. He would break down, at last, as every good fortune, as every dynasty, as every civilization does. In place of this we have death. ~Charles Sanders Peirce

untitled

sorry to all whom log on to my blog each day expecting a new post.
please understand that when i post on this blog it is in the apex of my creativity.

usually it covers something dramatic that i have been pondering or something meaningful that i have experienced. So one could say that i am inspired at the exact moment that finger touches key.

Creativity is not an ongoing process. Usually in the early hours of the morning when most are writing their experiences deep with in their dreams i am in the process of sharing mine with you on the pages of this blog.

inspiration comes to me and in that inspiration the unknows are revealed to me.


please stay faithful. it is my hope that your soul is satisfied with the reading of my reactionary revelations

Creativity is the sudden cessation of stupidity.

-Edwin Land-

in darkness

it seems that in the deepest darks of the night we find our true character. and it would seem that in the depth of this night i have found my own.

i do not wish to live my life wanting for my desires, regretting that i do not hold them firmly in my hand and lock them away within my heart, only to receive them and then regret the gaining.

some how my mind is clouded and i do not see another option. we regret because we lack only to never be satisfied when we gain.

man has placed himself between himself, that is, we prevent ourselves from ever truly knowing what it is to be... complete. i fear that i stand in my own path blocking the desires of my heart from ever completing their journey. i am at war with my own.

fear stands together with ambiguity like solider with sword daring me to attack and taste the might of its blade.

and i tremble on the battle field, knees knocking, with the footsteps of fear's formation. how do i overcome? how is this battle won?

i can see the victory it flashes before my eyes. but what of regret for the destruction of the foe. does not any man tremble with remorse at the sight of his enemy (no matter how evil) bloodied and broken at his feet.

then should we be so caught up in the victory that we forget the fight?

and with the dawn of the next day regret that our struggle did not achieve us more.

i want to get what it is that i want. i am bold, i am brave, and i can. fear is nothing more than a pebble ground into the soil of the footprint of desire.

i find my self tonight

i find myself

and i will not lose to fear. i will not regret because i will gain and in gaining negate not having more because i will have achieved it all.

I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weekness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. -Henry David Thoreau, Walden (chapter 18)

its been to ordinary

it would seem that i am at a loss for words. i cannot for some reason transfer my thoughts from this tangled web i call a brian to the ten now some what uninspired fingers that are pecking lifelessly at my keyboard. I want nothing more than to sit back and effortlessly communicate with the few whom frequent the pages of my blog.

however some force beyond my understanding seems to be at work turning every idea that i have from a discussion into nothing more than a wisp of words that wafts from my lips, is carried about, tossed to and fro and lost in the winds of translation.

so i leave you now having given you nothing more than what you came with.
as i remain silent somehow struck with a brain complication, may you be found in anticipation of the return of my communication. where in i hope to discuss in detail and in length the decisions that i am deciding, the thoughts that i am thinking, and the life that i am living.

until we meet again on this screen of sight based and thought provoking conversation
i wish you well in all of your endeavors. may they be less complicated and easier communicated than mine.

You perceive the force of a word. He who wants to persuade should put his trust not in the right argument, but in the right word. The power of sound has always been greater than the power of sense. I don’t say this by way of disparagement. It is better for mankind to be impressionable than reflective. Nothing humanely great—great, I mean, as affecting a whole mass of lives—has come from reflection. On the other hand, you cannot fail to see the power of mere words; such words as Glory, for instance, or Pity. I won’t mention any more. They are not far to seek. Shouted with perseverance, with ardor, with conviction, these two by their sound alone have set whole nations in motion and upheaved the dry, hard ground on which rests our whole social fabric. There’s “virtue” for you if you like!… Of course, the accent must be attended to. The right accent. That’s very important. The capacious lung, the thundering or the tender vocal chords. Give me the right word and the right accent and I will move the world.
What a dream for a writer! Because written words have their accent, too. Yes! Let me only find the right word! Surely it must be lying somewhere among the wreckage of all the plaints and all the exultations poured out aloud since the first day when hope, the undying, came down on earth. It may be there, close by, disregarded, invisible, quite at hand. But it’s no good. I believe there are men who can lay hold of a needle in a pottle of hay at the first try. For myself, I have never had such luck.
-Joseph Conrad-

on cosmos and the night sky

i spent some time on the beach the other night looking at the stars. it amazes me that i can feel so small in retrospect to the universe that lingers miles above my head. please dont misunderstand me. i dont feel unimportant i just become aware of the fact that i am not the only person in this great world of ours. it makes me wonder what the construction worker in japan is doing or how the mother of the new baby boy in russia is taking to this life changing experience that she has the pleasure of indulging in. we get to caught up in the monotony of our lives. i think that we sometimes forget to think about ourselves. let me elaborate. i am not talking about a selfish indulgence in our own image. i mean that we seem to forget to think about humankind. life is not about getting the perfect job or making great amounts of money. life is about the relationships and bonds that we share as humans.

why do you think that we enjoy movies and the theatre so much? WE LOVE TO EXPERIENCE THE EMOTION AND INTERACTION BETWEEN OUR FELLOW MEN.
life is a gift every moment that we have is a gift. i dont mean to ramble i just get so excited when i try to comprehend the miracle of ... of life.
we all should strive to travel not just to see the wonders that the world holds but to see, to spend time with, to experience cultures other than our own. doesnt it make you wonder? do you ever imagine what life would be like if you had been born into a different culture.

i guess the main point that i am poorly attempting to communicate is that we are, you are, i am, nothing more than a speck in the grand scheme of the universe. i dont mean that we are unimportant. we are important. just look at the breakdown of any thing. it is made up of millions of molecules combined forming an amazing creation. we are an amazing creation. celebrate that. celebrate life. and please take the time to feel insignificant, to get lost in the stars in order to remember who you are.

Know that although in the eternal scheme of things you are small, you are also unique and irreplaceable, as are all your fellow humans everywhere in the world.

-Margaret Laurence-

single awareness day

so here i am in the middle of another week. stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. there is so much on my mind. i am bombarded with schoolwork. in my color theory class i have a painting due ( mind you i cannot paint at all ) in my art history class we have just started studying the classical greek period and i have my second test in two weeks. lastly and most important i have a monologue due in my introduction to performance class. and in the midst of all of this i still have to find the time to sleep and relax. welcome to the life of a contemporary college student.

as i sit here and type this entry i must admit that my mind wanders about lingeringly just long enough on each of my thoughts to remind me that life is more complicated than it should be.
i am plagued with worry for my future and what it holds. here i am at art school, acting of all things. i just worry sometimes that this choice i have made to devote my self to this art form might have been a poor one. yet every time that i read the lines of an audition piece or stand in awe alone under the lights of the stage everything else shrinks into mere nothingness. i love the theatre,

i am a worrier. so i have a bad habit of thinking to much about everything. i know that i am only nineteen years old and i have my whole life ahead of me (and maybe it has something to do with the fact that single awareness day is looming over my head) but i constantly think about the relationship status that i lack . i am not particularly upset that i am single i just wonder who she is, the one, and what she is doing right now. hopefully thats natural

life is good i know that. i just cant wait to get out of school and be on my own to live, to love, to travel. i want to see the world. adventure, new places, new faces. there is a whole world out there just waiting for me to experience it.

i guess that what i have to remind myself of is that there is no need to be concerned about things that i cannot control. live one day at a time. life will run its course, love will come, success will be mine for the taking. we have to remember to not focus on the negative aspects of our lives. . . trust me dont waste your time. get out there live, take risks. your gonna get hurt sometimes and when you do remind yourself that the hurt is better than living a life full of regrets.

i dont mean to preach i just think that its time for me to mature, to grow up, i know who i am and what i want, and no one can change that or deny me my goal. i can do all things because i am spiritual . . . no . . . because i am Taylor Watkins its who i am and its what i will always be and i am happy just being me.

Whatever you are from nature, keep to it; never desert your own line of talent...
Be what Nature intended you for, and you will succeed; be anything else, and you will be ten thousand times worse than nothing.
-sydney smith-

my first post

so since this blogging thing has become so big, i decided to start my own.

i am not sure of the direction that i want to take this in.
hopefully this will become a discussion forum of sorts, where i will post about the interesting experiences and issues that plague the life of a college student.

i attend the savannah college of art and design in savannah georgia where i am studying performing arts.

this whole college thing is kinda odd for me. its amazing how much one matures in only two semesters of college. there are still a lot of things that i am trying to figure out about life, love, faith, and even politics. hopefully this will be a place that i can discuss some of the minor or maybe even major discoveries of said issues.

i would like to end each post with a insightful thought some of them may be something that i have said or pondered and some of them will be what more well known thinkers have versed about this life that we live.

"life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about."
Oscar Wilde