in darkness

it seems that in the deepest darks of the night we find our true character. and it would seem that in the depth of this night i have found my own.

i do not wish to live my life wanting for my desires, regretting that i do not hold them firmly in my hand and lock them away within my heart, only to receive them and then regret the gaining.

some how my mind is clouded and i do not see another option. we regret because we lack only to never be satisfied when we gain.

man has placed himself between himself, that is, we prevent ourselves from ever truly knowing what it is to be... complete. i fear that i stand in my own path blocking the desires of my heart from ever completing their journey. i am at war with my own.

fear stands together with ambiguity like solider with sword daring me to attack and taste the might of its blade.

and i tremble on the battle field, knees knocking, with the footsteps of fear's formation. how do i overcome? how is this battle won?

i can see the victory it flashes before my eyes. but what of regret for the destruction of the foe. does not any man tremble with remorse at the sight of his enemy (no matter how evil) bloodied and broken at his feet.

then should we be so caught up in the victory that we forget the fight?

and with the dawn of the next day regret that our struggle did not achieve us more.

i want to get what it is that i want. i am bold, i am brave, and i can. fear is nothing more than a pebble ground into the soil of the footprint of desire.

i find my self tonight

i find myself

and i will not lose to fear. i will not regret because i will gain and in gaining negate not having more because i will have achieved it all.

I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weekness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. -Henry David Thoreau, Walden (chapter 18)